Sunday, July 23, 2006

Late Night Ramblings

To continue on the eccentric group of posts (thoughbeit few) 
on this blog, I want to share something with the only people 
who actually read this, my family.  What I'm going to put out here is not anything new to any of you, but I feel a need to 
say it anyway and I'm not forcing any of you to read it so if 
you deem it too sappy for your taste, I won't lose any sleep 
over it.

Disclaimers aside...

I want you to know that I'm fully aware of one of my 
character flaws in this encyclopedia proportioned farce which
is my psychological makeup.  I have a defense mechanism
which I use to cope with separation where I do one of two 
things ending with the same result, neither of which is what I 
probably should do with these feelings.  For those of you who
already know me, you know what I'm talking about, but for
the wandering blogger who might stumble across the site, I
suppress any feelings derived from the separation and either
dive fully into what I'm doing at the particular time and place,
or I smile to get by until I get to the hotel room (or barracks,
or elsewhere) whereupon I simply sit, sleep, or in some other
fashion, survive just enough to make it to the next day.

I bring this up not because I'm looking for answers (I'm turning comments off for this post anyway),
or sympathy, or even as a lame, unsubstantiated promise that
I'll never do it again as I know I've been doing this for at least
20 years now and It's going to take time and effort to change,
but I did want to tell those of you who this has affected that I am
sorry.  I know when I go, I don't write, or call, or fax, or e-mail,
or even post to my blog, but I love you guys (not you, random
reader guy... geez, I hardly even know you... talk about pushy.)  
Just because I don't use the twentysomething pre-stamped, pre-
addressed envelopes you sent me to camp with, just because we
went WAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYY too long without talking to
eachother even after the realization that the lapse in
communication had gotten to the point of 5 or more (and yes, I know that for some of you it has been more)

I don't know if you might feel that I'm taking for granted the fact
that because you're family that you'll always be there for me, but
with all sincerity, I'm sorry.  Please know that this does not mean
I'm going to change, but neither does it mean that I'm going to
stay the same.  I'm simply throwing it out to you all because...
well, I'm not really sure what I expect you to do with it.  I just
wanted to take a minute to tell you all that I love you even when I
don't talk to you.  Everyone jokes that the first step is admitting you
have a problem... now on to another of my character flaws... lack of